How to control aspiring teenagers?

So here's the problem...I come in from work (busy magistrates court) I cycle to and from work and being totally mad and always wanting more pain...I then go for a 5 mile run...the good lady thinks I'm somewhat disturbed! (she has also just returned from work) Earlier today our 12 year old daughter Lucy had her phone confiscated and was at a friends house...and refuses to do homework...and refuses to clean teeth!...and refuses any reasonable request to conform to her parents wishes. You would think we should have learned better methods of control (this is our third and youngest daughter...the other two being older and more settled)...and yet here we are again on daughter no 3 the same old problems, the same old unreasonableness. This time of year we are fed a televisual feast of loving families spending time at xmas in each other's company...all well behaved and all conforming to the idyllic picture of loving relationships and well behaved kids...if only! I hate the picture of perpetual cosiness that the media create, I hate the picture of instant fame that reality tv aspires to, I hate the picture of greed that the lottery instils in our minds...I want us to be more reasonable in our aspirations and to accept the values that our parents and grandparents adhered to...I want myself to question my own values and try to understand the frustrations and pain that an aspiring 12 year old going on 18 feels trapped in..only then will we achieve some type of harmony in our household......